39 weeks and 4 days pregnant with my first baby. Surely, I had another week left, right? First babies come late. That’s what I kept hearing. Prepared to wait another week, my husband and I spent the day before our son was born, out and about. We went out for lunch, went shopping and had a chill night at home. We went to bed around midnight. I remember feeling different. Not good, but not in a lot of pain either. I was able to sleep until around 3:30am, when I couldn’t ignore the pain anymore. I knew something was happening, but I wasn’t sure if this was “it”. The pain continued to progress into the morning and around 6:30 am, I had some bloody show. I hadn’t had any bleeding in my pregnancy up until this point, so I knew things were happening. We called our doula, Jess, to give her the heads up that things were happening. She told us to continue on and suggested I get into the bath. My husband drew me a bath, and called our midwife to also let her know.
I had planned and dreamt of a home birth. I wanted as little intervention as possible. Knowing that ending up in hospital was a possibility, I was confident in myself and the preparation I had done to be ready for my home birth.
After I got into the bath, I felt as if I entered into sort of a “birth bubble”. Time was no longer real. I couldn’t do anything other than be fully immersed in the moment. Initially, I wanted my dog, Shiloh, to be present at the birth. Shiloh is a grounding force for me. Life dealt her a rough hand and she is a constant reminder of strength and perseverance. For these reasons, I wanted her present. I realized early on into labor, I actually didn’t want her there. I couldn’t fathom taking care of anything other than myself and my baby, and for this reason, we called my mom to come pick her up.
My mom came inside to see me as I was in the bath. I remember getting emotional. I was already in so much pain and I remember telling her I was so scared because I knew I was at the beginning, and the pain would only get worse. She reassured me that I could do it, and took Shiloh to her house.
By this time, Victor had called Jess to ask her to please come (my request!). By the time Jess arrived at our place and heard how I was sounding and describing the pain, she suggested we tell our midwife to come now. As I mentioned, time was blurry, but I believe our midwife arrived around 10:30am. Shortly after that, they let me know the birth pool was ready and I could come out of the bath and into the pool. Slowly transitioning from the bathroom to the birth pool, I walked out into my living room that Jess had quickly transformed into a birth oasis. They had my birth playlist playing, dimmed lighting, the midwife and student midwife had set up their station on our dining room table. It felt very zen, very calm. Just as I’d envisioned.
Before I got into the pool, the midwife offered to check to see how dilated I was. I obliged as I really wanted to know that all those contractions in the bath tub weren’t for nothing. She let me know I was 5cm dilated. Excellent. I continued to labour in the birth pool for what felt like years. Victor and Jess took turns holding my hand, feeding me watermelon in between contractions, and pouring warm water on my back. I felt like it would never end. And as bizarre as it sounds, I had troubles seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It was so painful, I didn't believe a baby was going to come out of me. As I laboured in the pool, all I could think was: 1. I am NEVER doing this again and 2. I am so stupid for wanting to do this unmedicated.
I labored for another few hours, and got out of the tub so the midwife could check how far along I was again. 9.5cm this time - amazing! She let me know I could start to push. At this point my body was in full control. I tried my best to fully relax my body. I tried to breathe through the rushes. In my opinion, there’s nothing comparable that could have prepared me for how challenging this would be. I dreaded every contraction and tried my best to enjoy the breaks in between. It was incredibly hard.
I had been pushing for about an hour, when I decided to get out of the pool. I wanted to lean against the couch, which had been so lovingly covered with plastic sheets and towels by the wonderful Jess. The midwives let me know that the average pushing time for a first time mom is two hours. “Amazing, I could do this for another hour and then it’s over.” I thought to myself.
Some more time passes by, I get back into the pool. The midwives were checking baby’s heart rate with the Doppler while I was in the pool. They encouraged me to put my hand inside to feel baby boy’s head. I remember not wanting to, but I’m so glad I did. It gave me so much motivation to push. She then let me know that she thought she saw some meconium in the water, and this is a reason we’d have to transfer to hospital. This was the first mention of going to hospital.
I got out of the pool once again, to switch things up. I was pushing as hard as I could, but I knew I wasn’t making any progress. I couldn’t feel his head coming down, like I had heard described by other mothers in their birth stories. It didn’t feel like his head was descending into my pelvis at all.
I remember hearing one of the midwives saying “she’s been pushing for two and a half hours”. This was the first moment I felt as if things were not ok. Laying on my couch, my midwife broke the news to me that my baby’s heart rate was decelerating, and for this reason, we had to go to the hospital. I felt as if I had failed. I wouldn’t have my home birth. My baby wouldn’t be born in the water or in the warm loving energy of my home. I was heartbroken. But at the same time, I wanted so badly for the pain to be over. It had been about 12 hours at this point, so I chose to surrender to the path ahead.
“There’s no way I can get into a car right now.” I told her. “Well, we would be going in an ambulance.” she said. The paramedics arrived, they offered me some gas, which I accepted, and they helped me get into the ambulance. As soon as I sat down on the stretcher, I felt a burst of fluids come out of me. I’m not sure if this was my water breaking, because up until this point I’d mostly been in the pool. Victor and our midwife rode in the ambulance with me and Jess grabbed our hospital bags and drove my car to the hospital to meet us there.
As much pain as I was in, I felt guilty for choosing a home birth. For making my husband watch me go through this, only to end up in an ambulance. Both Victor and our midwife assured me that Victor was okay, and we made our way to the hospital, sirens and all. Where I live in BC, the midwives are integrated into the hospital system. When I went into labor, they called the hospital to let them know a home birth was happening, so they would have a bed for me in case I needed to transfer in. We arrived at the hospital at 5:00pm and they took me right in.
Very quickly, it felt like so many people were in the room. All introducing themselves to me and telling me who they were. This part is a little blurry for me. I remember asking my midwife for any kind of pain relief. She let me know I would need to sit still for five minutes (I’m guessing this is for an epidural but I’m not sure) but this was not an option for me. Each contraction took over my body and I knew there was no way I could sit in stillness through that. The OB let me know that baby was “sunny side up”, which I would later learn this is why my pushing wasn’t working. The OB was able to flip him around and I continued to push. I kind of got the feeling they wanted him to come out soon, because of the decelerations in his heart.
They then offered me the vacuum, which I quickly consented to. After a few tries and no success, she then suggested an episiotomy. Now, an episiotomy has been one of my greatest fears for years before I knew I would have a child. That said, I nearly begged her to do it for a few reasons; I wanted the pain to be over with and I didn’t want them to tell me I needed a cesarean. After the episiotomy and a few more pushes, eventually, I was able to push my son out at 6:00pm on the dot. I remember seeing him for the first time, the doctor handing him to me to lay him on my chest. He had the cord wrapped around his neck twice, and they would later tell me that this was likely why his heart rate was decelerating. It sounds strange to say, but I didn’t have that moment of “oh wow my baby is here”, rather I felt like, thank fuck that is over!!!!!!!
I was incredibly relieved to be out of pain. And it really did feel like the pain went away immediately after he was out. Of course I was happy to finally see my baby, but if I’m being honest, I was more relieved than anything. It took about 15 hours from start to finish. With no pain relief other than a bit of gas they gave me in the ambulance.
My husband then cut the cord, and they brought baby boy to measure and weigh him on the other side of the room. I could hear him crying and it was the best sound ever. I don’t really remember my placenta coming out, but my midwife gave me a “tour” of it after it did, which was very cool. I had planned to have it encapsulated, so we got to take it home with us.
They brought him back to me and layed him on my chest again, where he and I stayed gazing into each other's eyes for the next few hours. We stayed in the hospital for two nights. The days to come are a whole other story in themselves, as breastfeeding was such a challenge for me.
One of the reasons I wanted a home birth was because I was afraid of how I would be treated in hospital. I was afraid I would lose autonomy over my body. That said, I want to point out how amazingly caring the doctors and nurses were in the hospital. Healing from the episiotomy was quite painful. During a home visit from my midwife, I asked her to look at my stitches because it hurt so much. She said she couldn’t even tell that I had had an episiotomy. I truly appreciate how much care the doctors treated such a sacred part of my body with.
While that is the end of my birth story, it wouldn’t be complete without me sharing this part of my postpartum journey. For the weeks that followed my birth, I was extremely emotional. I think I was a bit traumatized by what had happened. I had built up this beautiful home/water birth in my head, and when that did not happen I felt such failure.
“Why couldn’t I do it? Perhaps, I was not enlightened enough to give birth this way? Maybe I’m not in tune with my body. Why did it not work out for me? I did the breathing exercises beforehand. I read all the birth books. Listened to as many birth stories as I possibly could. Why did my body fail me?”
Now of course, all these statements are completely ridiculous, and I know that now looking back. But at the time, it really consumed me. I couldn’t sleep because when I closed my eyes, I was taken back to the ambulance. The room full of doctors and nurses. Feeling as if I was robbed of the experience I had dreamt of. I was so incredibly hard on myself. Much of what I was experiencing I believe was due to hormones, but man, it was intense. While my family and support team were so helpful throughout this process, I did feel the need to reach out to a counsellor. She helped me work through much of the negative self talk I was experiencing.
Birth rocked me to my core. It took me to the absolute edge of all my fears and made many of my fears reality. But I fucking did it. And women do it every. damn. day. It’s the most extraordinary and ordinary part of life. Thank you for reading and listening to my story.
I want to thank my amazing doula, Jess, for curating so many beautiful details of this experience. It’s hard for me to put into words how much her support meant to me during this time. I would highly recommend her if you’re expecting a baby.
I’d also like to thank Michelle, who encapsulated my placenta. If you have more questions about this, you can find it on her website here.
Most importantly, I want to thank and give a shout out to my husband. He blew me away with his support throughout my entire pregnancy and during our sons birth. He never questioned me and trusted all my choices and wishes that I had to bring our son into this world. Having him by my side was everything. Love you, hunny!!!!
Taylor
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